Burn Your Bridges
artist @haojing.co
*AN EXCERPT VIA DEAR CITY GIRL, SUBSCRIBE FOR MORE SHORT STORIES, ARCHIVED LETTERS AND DISCOUNTS ON MERCH AND FREELANCER FOR HIRE POST.
There was a time in my life where I really needed to cut complete ties off with a toxic friend who relentlessly drove me into a pit of misery. Friend breakups are a hundred times harder to go through and process in its aftermath than romantic breakups. There’s not enough Hollywood movies about friend breakups, it’s almost a taboo subject. But we choose our friends the same way we choose our lovers and partners. Initially we bonded because we were the same, but different. I was in a bad place when we met, but then came the point when I was finally coming up for air. I no longer wanted to drown and was ready to swim back to shore and ground myself.
That is what I did. I was talking with my work bestie about my friend problem and how I wanted to change my life, but having this friend in it would only make it emotionally difficult. It wasn’t that I didn’t care about this friend, but after serious introspection I came to the question if my friend cared about me at all. Work bestie already knew the majority of the friendship in question, she had even witnessed firsthand for herself the toxicity, she agreed with me that stepping away would be the healthiest thing for me. An annoying coworker invited herself into the conversation by dropping what she felt was her ball of wisdom. “Don’t burn your bridges.” Work bestie and I turned to look at her, but not in the ‘please advise me oh wise one’ manner. She continued on, “You can’t abandon a friend. Don’t burn your bridges.”
The phrase ‘don’t burn your bridges’ belongs to a different lifetime. An ancient sentiment that to me sounds and feels like gaslighting of the worst kind, insinuating that you should not leave or destroy a relationship in case you have to go back to it. So instead, appease the opponent. Play nice and maybe it’ll get better. Or maybe it won’t. I don’t think the phrase fits every scenario, for instance you could never advise a survivor of domestic abuse to not cut ties from harmful, toxic behavior.
Bridges need to be burned.
There is a psychology term, ‘hope trapping’, that the only reason you keep a “bridge” open to your past is the fear of the unknown. Layman terms, it’s false hope, passively keeping the connection mistaking it for optimism.
